


Between Dreadful and Grateful

by jaydenthorne



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Anxiety, CMBYN December Fest 2020, Charmie, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Family Drama, M/M, Road Trips, Slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:48:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,252
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28393371
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaydenthorne/pseuds/jaydenthorne
Summary: Armie and Timmy are on a cross-country road trip. They've decided to make a stop and visit with some of Armie's family. It may not be the best idea.
Relationships: Timothée Chalamet/Armie Hammer
Comments: 10
Kudos: 56
Collections: CMBYN December Fest 2020





	Between Dreadful and Grateful

**Author's Note:**

> A bit AU in which Armie was never married and has no kids.

Midnight.

Somewhere on a dark Texas highway.

Country music poured from the car radio at a low volume. 

The pair had been on the road now for three days. Somebody thought it’d be a good idea to take a roadtrip from Los Angeles to New York in November. So, here they were packed into a rented Escalade traversing the country. Actually, so far they’ve had a great time. They’ve made frequent stops along the way to do the touristy thing. Ate at all the locals recommended eateries. And shopped a lot. Timmy had probably doubled his wardrobe in these few short days. The point was the journey, after all, and not the destination so much.

It had been Armie’s turn to drive. He enjoyed driving almost as much as he enjoyed Timmy’s soft breathing as he curled up to sleep on the car seat next to him. He couldn’t decide what he liked more: Timmy awake and chatting away with his chaotic energy and wild hand gestures or the peacefully sleeping angel baby he was being right now. Armie smirked as he decided to make it easier on himself and not debate the point: he loved both versions and was glad for whichever he got.

They were still a few hundred miles away from Dallas. Armie had accepted his uncle’s invitation to stay for a few days before continuing their road trip. He was hoping to reach the house just after dawn, so as to not wake the family in the middle of the night. He had been grateful for the invitation. It was, after all, high time Timmy met more of his extended family. He was looking forward to it. They both were.

Timmy stirred slightly in his sleep, murmuring something unintelligible. Armie spared a quick glance at his boyfriend but wasn’t alarmed. Timmy tended to be a restless sleeper at times. He smirked again, thinking of the many elbows to the ribs the smaller man would unintentionally deal him while they slept.

Armie returned his focus to the black ribbon of highway before him. There were a few cars around, but being rural Texas and so late at night, the road was practically deserted. He raised the volume on the car radio a bit, just enough to help keep him awake but not loud enough to disturb Timmy’s sleep. It was some god awful country music station, but what else would it be in Texas. At least it was the classics hour and _”Take Me Home, Country Roads”_ was playing. Armie tapped his fingers on the steering wheel and bobbed his head slightly from side to side along with the music.

Sometime during the second chorus, Timmy jerked awake suddenly. He gasped for breath and broke out into a cold sweat almost immediately. He was so startled and out of sorts, tears sprung to his eyes. He looked around frantically until his eyes fixed on Armie. 

“Armie… c-can’t breathe…” he gasped desperately.

Armie swerved the car slightly, alarmed by Timmy coming awake so violently. “Holy fuck! What’s wrong, baby?” he asked as he got the car back under control. 

Timmy shook his head, clearly in distress. He couldn’t speak. He felt like something was constricting his chest. The tears kept flowing.

Armie pulled the car over to the median and switched on the emergency lights. He reached over and squeezed Timmy’s left knee. “Baby, talk to me. What’s wrong?”

“Air. I need air,” Timmy managed to say after a few minutes. He opened his car door and stumbled out. Reaching for the railing, he held on for support and he began to walk off.

Perplexed and a bit annoyed, Armie watched as Timmy got out of the car. He followed and rushed over to his lover. “Damn it, Tim, where you going? Be careful! That’s a steep incline.” He grabbed Timmy by the arm and swung him around. Startled, teary green eyes looked up at him. “Oh sweetheart…” Armie said in a softer tone. He sat against the railing, so he was at eye level with Timmy. “Anxiety?”

Timmy’s breathing was still shallow and much too rapid. His chest and head hurt. He nodded nervously then covered his face with his hands. “Sorry… sorry,” he stammered. 

“No, no. Nothing to be sorry about. You’re alright, baby,” Armie said soothingly. He held Timmy firmly by the shoulders. He wanted to hold him closer, but wasn’t sure if more physical contact would help at the moment. Sometimes it helped and sometimes it would worsen the situation. So, he tended to just follow Timmy’s cues as to what he needed at the time. “Close your eyes and breathe with me. Come on… in… out…” He continued to coach the younger man for several minutes, directing the rhythm of his breathing until Timmy was able to match it.

“Good,” Armie said as he gently rubbed Timmy’s upper arms. “It’ll pass, you know, it’ll pass.”

Timmy nodded his head again, wanting so much to believe it’ll pass. He leaned against Armie’s solid body and buried his face into the crook of his neck. The bigger man wrapped his arms around Timmy, holding him close. He could feel Timmy trembling against him. Armie ran his hand up and down Timmy’s back as he murmured what he hoped was encouragement and waited for the worst of the anxiety attack to subside. They stood there by the side of the highway for almost fifteen minutes, just holding each other. 

“Wanna walk a little?” Armie asked tentatively.

After a long moment, Timmy said, “Okay.”

They began to walk along the median of the darkened highway. Armie kept his arm around Timmy’s shoulder, pulling him in close to his body. They got about a hundred feet away from the car before Armie turned them around to walk back. He’d repeat that as many times as necessary to help Timmy settle down.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to ruin the trip like this,” Timmy apologized as he wiped at his eyes.

“Dude, come on. You didn’t ruin anything. It’s alright,” Armie said. He leaned down and placed a soft kiss to the top of Timmy’s head. 

He was confused as to what could have brought on this anxiety attack. The trip had been pleasant thus far. Then again, the things that could set Timmy off were often a mystery to Armie. He thought more on it and it suddenly dawned on him, perhaps it was the prospect of meeting more of his family that did it this time. Under normal circumstances, meeting someone’s family was enough to make most people nervous even at the best of times. Nevermind, Timmy’s initial experience with Armie’s mother had been anything but enjoyable. 

“Listen, if you’re nervous about meeting my uncle and his family we don’t have to. We can by-pass Dallas all together. If the time isn’t right, then it just isn’t right,” Armie offered.

Timmy oscillated between feeling dreadful and being endlessly grateful. He had been nervous about the upcoming meeting and had bottled it up because family was so important to Armie. It was important to him, as well. After the fiasco with his lover’s mother, though, he was just filled with all kinds of self-doubt about how he would fit in with the man’s family. Or if it would even be possible. 

He had been feeling the pressure building up all day, but thought he could keep it together. He had wanted to keep it together so much for Armie. Too bad, he had failed.

“It’s important to you,” Timmy said softly, ducking his head a bit.

“Sure, but not more important than you are to me,” Armie responded without hesitation. They had reached the car again. “It’s cold out. Ready to get back inside?”

Timmy nodded and got back in the passenger seat wordlessly. Armie shut the door behind him, walked around to his side and got in. He turned up the heater; knowing if he felt cold, Timmy had to be freezing.

“It won’t be like it was with my mother,” Armie assured. “My uncle and his family already know about us and are cool about it.” He reached over and gently rubbed the back of Timmy’s neck. “But, like I said, we can skip it all together. There will be other times.”

Timmy sighed deeply. He wanted to do this, he really did. If only Armie’s mother hadn’t been so horrid to him. The things she had said. The accusations she had made. Actually calling him a faggot and blaming him for Armie _“turning”_ gay. Condemning them to hell for their perverse sins. What kind of person still believed such nonsense and would actually say such things to their kid? Both Timmy and Armie had been stunned. Well, that was until the f-bomb was thrown out. At that, Armie had had enough. He actually told his mother to shut up and to never dare speak to Timmy that way again. Timmy had never seen Armie so furious. Later, he’d been heartbroken and depressed, and couldn’t find enough words to apologize for his mother’s harsh treatment. He promised it would never happen again. That he would never have to meet his mother again if that was the way she was going to act. The whole thing had just been so unnecessary and unfortunate. Of course, Timmy had been guilt-ridden for causing a rift between Armie and his mother. Logically, he knew it wasn’t really his fault, but he still couldn’t help taking some of the blame on himself.

Here they were now and Timmy couldn’t stop thinking back to that awful day. He really didn’t want to judge all of Armie’s family by his mother’s actions but that day had left a mark on him. He couldn’t deny it; especially not now after having an actual anxiety attack over it.

“Won’t they be disappointed? It’s been awhile since they’ve seen you,” Timmy asked. He leaned back against Armie’s hand on his neck. It felt good and did wonders to help calm him down.

“They’ll get over it,” Armie said with a faint smile. “It’s really okay. They won’t mind and I don’t either.”

Timmy thought for a while. His breathing was normal now and he was starting to feel better. At least, the worst had passed. Though, still he had an overwhelming feeling of wanting to run away from this, thinking it would make him feel even better to do so. Deep down, he knew it really wouldn’t help. Running away from the things that made him anxious never worked. He knew he had to face this. Even if it went badly again, he had to do it both for Armie and for himself. 

“Nah, we should go,” he said finally. “I really do want to meet them.”

Armie pressed his lips together. He’d seen this side of Timmy before, too. He could make the decision for the both of them to just keep driving past Dallas, but it wouldn’t help Timmy in the long run. As much as he wanted to spare his lover any pain or discomfort, he wouldn’t take his agency to make his own decisions away from him.

Armie nodded once. “Okay, we’ll go. If you change your mind before we get there, just tell me. Okay?”

Timmy nodded, bowing his head slightly.

“I mean it. Just tell me. It’s fine if we don’t go,” Armie reassured. He leaned over and pressed a kiss to Timmy’s cheek. “I love you, you know,” he whispered.

Timmy’s cheeks flushed. A soft smile split his lips, but he struggled to feel it deep down. If the past was any indication, he wouldn’t feel right for a long while still. “I love you, too,” he did say because that much was true.

Armie just looked at Timmy for a few seconds. He didn’t want to rush his lover into anything and it was clear he wasn’t out of the woods yet. He turned, reached to the backseat and came up with Timmy’s jacket. He gave it to the young man with a silent nod. Instead of putting it on, Timmy draped it over his front like a blanket. That made Armie grin. He reached back, grabbed his own jacket and draped it over Timmy’s legs, tucking him in.

“Thanks, babe” Timmy said as he settled back in his seat. 

“Sure thing, sweetheart,” Armie said as shifted the Escalade back into drive. He checked for oncoming cars then merged back into the highway. They drove on for a while before Armie spoke again.

“Tell you what,” he said, “We’ll stay at a hotel and just visit with my family for the day. I’d rather we have our space, anyway. I mean, it might be rude to fuck you at my uncle’s.” 

“One track mind, I swear,” Timmy murmured with a half chuckle. 

Armie gasped with mock umbrage. “Well, can you blame me?” he asked, “I mean, have you seen you?”

Timmy did chuckle at that. “So, it’s my fault then?”

“Totally. Thought you already knew that.”

Timmy shook his head, then stared at the darkened road ahead of them. It was at times like theses he understood just how lucky he was to have Armie. The man had yet to let him down or be annoyed at his emotional issues. Family drama aside, Timmy wouldn’t give him up for anything. He only hoped he gave back to Armie even a portion of the love and support he got from him.


End file.
